Trigger Warnings for child molestation and abuse and for sexual assault and domestic violence.
Whenever I read this poem in public, I preface it with a statement that there is a war against women taking place, followed by the current statistics on sexual assault, rape, physical assault, and murder, statistics that have risen every time I check them again and which are always worse for women of color and Native women. I don’t read this poem in public much, however, because it makes men uncomfortable–they shift in their seats visibly–and it brings so many women up to me afterward in tears to say that this poem was about their own lives. I have begun to feel that I should provide a therapist to the audience before I read it.
As we live through the nightmare created when Rowe v Wade was cast down by the Supreme Court, however, this poem feels appropriate. This is, ultimately, what patriarchy comes down to–women and girls at the mercy of men hurting them, simply because they can. We can always hope that they won’t–and not all of them do–but ultimately, they can. And they can get away with it over and over again, while women who try to keep them from getting away with it suffer and pay a huge price. Nothing there has really changed since I was a girl, except that women are generally less and less inclined to go quietly along. Our rage has grown too great. Though things were supposed to have changed, our current situation has shown us that they haven’t. But they will. They must.
P.O.W.
Before I fall into the past,
I drive to the library,
thumb open a book
about the death of a child
in Greenwich Village and
plunge
back
in
time
to trash-filled rooms smelling
of milk, urine, beer and blood,
doors locked and curtains drawn
against the world,
dirty baby brother caged in a playpen,
mother nursing broken nose,
split lip, overflowing ashtray,
and father filling the room to the ceiling,
shouting drunken songs and threats
before whom I tremble and dance,
wobbly diversion, to keep away
the sound of fist against face,
bone against wall.
The book never shows
the other little brothers and sister hiding
around corners and under covers,
but I know they are there
and dance faster,
sing the songs that give him pleasure,
pay the price for their sleep
later, his hand pinching flat nipples,
thrusting between schoolgirl thighs,
as dangerous to please as to anger
the giant who holds the keys
to our family prison. Mother
has no way to keep him from me,
but I can do it for her and them.
Locked by these pages
behind enemy lines again
where I plan futile sabotage
and murder every night,
nine-year-old underground,
I read the end.
Suddenly defiant, attacked,
slammed into a wall,
sliding into coma, death
after the allies arrive,
too late, in clean uniforms so like his own
to shake their heads at the smell and mess—
the end I almost believe,
the end that chance keeps at bay
long enough for me to grow and flee,
my nightmare alive on the page.
Freed too late,
I close the book,
two hours vanished,
stand and try to walk
to the front door on uncertain legs
as if nothing were wrong.
No one must know.
I look at those around me
without seeming to,
an old skill,
making sure no one can tell.
Panic pushes me to the car
where the back window reflects
a woman, the unbruised kind.
In the space of three quick breaths
I recognize myself,
slam back into adult body and life,
drive home repeating a mantra,
“Ben will never hurt me–
All men are not violent,”
reminding myself to believe the first,
to hope for the last.
II
Years later, my little sister will sleep,
pregnant, knife under her pillow,
two stepdaughters huddled
at the foot of her bed,
in case her husband
breaks through the door
again. Finally,
she escapes
with just the baby.
My daughter calls collect
from a pay phone on a New Hampshire street.
She’ll stay in a shelter for battered women,
be thrown against the wall
returning to pack
for the trip back to Missouri,
a week before her second anniversary.
With her father and brother,
the trip home will take three days,
and she will call for me again.
Ana and Kay, who sat in my classes,
Vicky, who exchanged toddlers with me once a week,
Pat and Karen, who shared my work,
and two Nancys I have known,
among others too many to count,
hide marks on their bodies and memories,
while at the campus women’s center
where I plan programs for women students
on professional advancement
and how to have it all,
the phone rings every week with calls we forward
to safe houses and shelters.
In my adult life, I’ve suffered no man
to touch me in anger,
but I sleep light.
Published in Heart’s Migration (Tia Chucha Press, 2009)
Linda Rodriguez’s 13th book, Unpapered: Writers Consider Native American Identity and Cultural Belonging, will publish in May 2023. She also edited Woven Voices: 3 Generations of Puertorriqueña Poets Look at Their American Lives, The World Is One Place: Native American Poets Visit the Middle East, The Fish That Got Away: The Sixth Guppy Anthology, Fishy Business: The Fifth Guppy Anthology, and other anthologies.
Dark Sister: Poems was a finalist for the Oklahoma Book Award. Her three earlier Skeet Bannion mystery novels—Every Hidden Fear, Every Broken Trust, Every Last Secret—and earlier books of poetry—Skin Hunger and Heart’s Migration—received critical recognition and awards, such as St. Martin’s Press/Malice Domestic Best First Novel, International Latino Book Award, Latina Book Club Best Book of 2014, Midwest Voices & Visions, Elvira Cordero Cisneros Award, Thorpe Menn Award, and Ragdale and Macondo fellowships. She also published Plotting the Character-Driven Novel, based on her popular workshop. Her short story, “The Good Neighbor,” published in Kansas City Noir, was optioned for film.
Rodriguez is past chair of the AWP Indigenous Writer’s Caucus, past president of Border Crimes chapter of Sisters in Crime, founding board member of Latino Writers Collective and The Writers Place, and a member of International Thriller Writers, Native Writers Circle of the Americas, Wordcraft Circle of Native American Writers and Storytellers, and Kansas City Cherokee Community. Learn more about her at http://lindarodriguezwrites.blogspot.com or follow her on Twitter at https://twitter.com/rodriguez_linda or on Mastodon at https://mastodon.social/rodriguez_linda.
Teaching Creative Writing
/in Uncategorized/by Saralyn RichardTeaching Creative Writing
By Saralyn Richard
I always wanted to be an author, but I was sidetracked into teaching by my parents, who felt writing was not a real job. I didn’t mind that much. I loved teaching, too, and when the opportunity arose for me to teach creative writing to high school students, I was in heaven!
I had a slew of very talented and creative youngsters, as well as some who elected to take the class in order to get out of writing a term paper in the more academic English classes. Many of the students took creative writing for two years, so I got to know them well. As a bonus, the creative writing classes were responsible for producing the school’s annual literary magazine. The magazine was technically an extra-curricular activity for first-year students, but the second-year students worked on the publication during class and took editorial roles.
Many of my students became writers or teachers of writing, a fact that continues to thrill me. They remain part of my writing community.
After I left the high school classroom, I started teaching creative writing to senior citizens, ages fifty and older. Our venue was the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute. Most of the learners there had retired from a wide diversity of careers, not writing. They wanted to give writing a try.
Here are some insights I gained from teaching in these different age groups:
Many of the lessons I taught to both groups were the same: writing with specific details, imagery, figures of speech; dialogue; how to write exposition, narrative, and description; creating characters and settings; point of view; stylistic devices. All of the classes were super-fun, and I learned as much as I taught.
Have you ever taken or taught a creative writing class? What was the most valuable lesson you encountered?
Saralyn Richard is the award-winning author of the Detective Parrott mystery series, BAD BLOOD SISTERS, A MURDER OF PRINCIPAL, and NAUGHTY NANA. Check out her website at saralynrichard.com, and sign up for her monthly newsletter for fun content, contests, and opportunities to connect.
An Interview with Carla Damron
/in Mystery, New Release, Paula Gail Benson, Suspense/by Paula Bensonby Paula Gail Benson
Drawing from her own life and work experience, Carla Damron has crafted intriguing mysteries, diverse characters, and suspenseful stories. Her latest, The Orchid Tattoo, explores the world of human trafficking. Today, she joins us to talk about her writing. Welcome, Carla!
When did you first know you wanted to be a writer?
I wrote as a kid—bad poetry about animals mostly. Then I got sidetracked, focusing on psychology in college and then social work. But a part of me always, always loved the beauty of story. I decided to explore storytelling more seriously once my social work career was well underway.
You have brought many of your experiences as a social worker to your writing. How has your awareness of the human condition, learned as a social worker, helped to develop your writing skills and to select the themes you feel are so important to address in fiction?
I don’t select the themes—I think they select me. I find myself writing about issues that trouble or haunt me. Writing can be therapeutic that way. For example, when I worked with folks struggling with homelessness and mental illness, I felt compelled to write a story that examined what their lives are like. Even writing in the mystery genre, there’s room to shine a light on important issues. In The Orchid Tattoo, I focus on how human trafficking happens right here in our communities, because this is something that has haunted me for several years.
Caleb Knowles, your mystery series protagonist, is surrounded by very strong characters as well as by characters who are very much in need. How does he find balance in a world where so much is uncertain or confused? What is his concept of justice?
Caleb feels things strongly, and sometimes this affects his judgement. He makes mistakes and gets himself in trouble, but usually for a good reason. In terms of “balance”, I don’t think he’s found it yet—he tends to get overly involved with his clients, and when he feels things are unjust, it can make him rash. He wants a world where there is racial equity and justice. Where people who have mental illness aren’t defined by their disease. Where people who are unhoused have worth and are helped, not discriminated against. He’s very naïve this way. I guess I am, too.
You graduated from the MFA creative writing program at Queens College in Charlotte. Which writers do you think benefit most from getting a MFA?
The MFA can be expensive. I’d love to say all writers would benefit, but I think it’s a deeply personal decision. It was the right thing for me, because I was struggling with a writing project that was very complex and needed to expand my skill set. And honestly, I LOVED devoting that kind of time and energy to improving my craft. It felt like a gift. But that doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone.
In The Stone Necklace, you use a style I’ve heard you call “braided” storytelling. How does it work and what do you find most challenging about it?
That’s the book that sent me to graduate school. I wanted each character to have their own arc. I wrote from five POVs—and had to keep each storyline balanced so that one didn’t overwhelm the others. The characters connect, separate, reconnect—like a braid does.
You use a similar “braided” storytelling style in The Orchid Tattoo, in that you tell the story from different viewpoints. Not only are you exploring the world of a human trafficking victim, but also you examine the life of a person co-opted to work for the traffickers. How difficult was it to write from these very different perspectives?
Once the characters crystallize in my imagination, I let them tell me their story. Honestly, that’s what it’s like. Sometimes I have to nudge them a little, but once the characters feel real to me, it becomes a pretty organic process.
Have you heard from trafficking victims about The Orchid Tattoo? What is their reaction?
I haven’t. I’ve had advocates and law enforcement people thank me for telling this story, and that means a lot to me.
Are you planning additional Caleb Knowles novels?
Caleb wasn’t done with me. The fourth in that series, Justice Be Done, is at the publisher right now. I’m hoping it will be out later this year.
In addition to your novels, you’ve also written short stories. Where have they appeared?
Melusine Magazine, Jasper Magazine, Fall Lines, Mystery on the Wind. My latest flash piece, Delilah, was short-listed for the Pulpfictional award (winner to be announced 3/31) and will appear in its anthology.
How important is it for writers to have groups and networks with which they connect?
For me it’s critical. Writing can be a lonely thing. Having a critique partner or a group for support, guidance, and feedback are invaluable. How do you know if your story will gel with readers if you don’t get their input?
*******
Brief Bio: Carla Damron is a social worker, advocate and author whose last novel, The Orchid Tattoo, won the 2023 winter Pencraft Award for Literary Excellence. Her work The Stone Necklace (about grief and addiction) won the 2017 Women’s Fiction Writers Association Star Award for Best Novel and was selected the One Community Read for Columbia SC.
Damron is also the author of the Caleb Knowles mystery novels, including Justice Be Done, the fourth in this series. She holds an MSW and an MFA. Her careers of social worker and writer are intricately intertwined; all of her novels explore social issues like addiction, homelessness, and mental illness.
Book news
/in Uncategorized/by Lynn WillisHooked on Podcasts
/in Uncategorized/by Barbara EikmeierBy Barbara J Eikmeier
I’ve become a Podcast junkie. It happened rather innocently when, last September, I had eye surgery. For the first 48 hours post-op I had to alternate ice packs 20 minutes on and 20 minutes off while awake. Then I switched to warm compresses for 20 minutes four times a day for another 3 weeks.
In the beginning I felt agitated thinking about all the work I had waiting for me. I would recline on the sofa and force myself to breathe in and out. With both eyes covered in ice packs I couldn’t even watch the clock, so I set a timer on Alexa. Then I proceeded to pester her by asking how much time was left on the timer.
I tried listening to music. At least the music calmed me. My eyes hurt, especially when I looked up to read a computer screen. Looking down, however didn’t hurt. That meant I could work at my sewing machine, which started a new routine, 20 minutes of sewing, alternating with 20 minutes of ice packs. I set the timer. It was a slow way to make a quilt with forced breaks for ice packs every 20 minutes.
By day three I had resigned myself to the fact that being home for three weeks recuperating was going to be a total bust in productivity. Then I saw an email from The Writer’s Colony at Dairy Hollow in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, (I read it on my phone with my eyes cast down during one of my 20 minutes off cycles.) I’ve had three residencies at Dairy Hollow and enjoy following them on social media and email. The message contained a link to their latest podcast, Write Now. By now I was onto the warm compresses, which, by the way, were much more comforting than ice on my eyes! With a podcast to concentrate on, the time seemed to fly. Before I knew it Alexa was chiming that my timer had ended.
My eyes are fine, my travel has resumed, my to-do list, as usual, has too much on it, but now, I have this new love of podcasts. I got a set of wireless ear buds and listen to podcasts on the stationary bike at home, or while walking the track at the nearby high school. I listen to podcasts while lifting weights at the gym, while sewing, and while waiting in airports. And I’m learning so much!
My favorite remains Write Now where I’ve “met” so many interesting authors. I especially enjoy the early episodes that aired during the “stay home” part of the pandemic. I recently listened to Stiletto Gang’s very own Bethany Maines in the Plotter vs Pantsers show down.
I’m learning French online through Duolingo. Now I listen to stories in French on the Duolingo podcast! I wish I could tell you it’s improving my French, however I listened to a great story about the most famous boulangeries in Paris! If I ever go I’ll take my French speaking 7-year-old granddaughter with me to do the talking!
I listen to podcasts about quilting, health and wellness and writing, of course, all during time that my brain would otherwise be idle. Do you listen to podcasts? Do you have a podcast? I’d love to hear about your favorites!
Two Things, Two Places, All at Once
/in Movies, Mystery, Series/by Gay YellenGlitz and glamour. Politics and power. Winners and losers. Millions of people tune in to watch the spectacle that appears on our television screens once a year: The Academy Awards.
Back in my Hollywood days, I walked the red carpet. After leaving my acting career behind, I began work at AFI (The American Film Institute), where I learned what good movies are made of. So last Sunday, as always, I watched the Oscars, even though I hadn’t seen any of the nominated films.
The morning after the broadcast, I dug deep into storage to search for it, and also for the printed program from that night, both of which I thought I had stored together. Found the dress, and a couple of old Polaroids of me wearing it, but I didn’t find the program. I don’t remember the exact year it was, or who the nominees and winners were. (I’m sure selective memory is at fault here. Those years were not among my favorites.)
I am late to the party in seeing this year’s nominated films, but I do want to see them, hopefully in a movie theater, the way the are meant to be seen. Though the trailer for the big winner, Everything Everywhere All at Once, looks somewhat headache-inducing, I’m willing to brave it anyway, because I’ve heard that it portrays life in multiple universes, a subject that intrigues me.
When did you last watch the Oscars? Did you see any of the winning films and performances this year?
Gay Yellen is the award-winning author of the Samantha Newman Mystery Series, including The Body Business, The Body Next Door, and the upcoming Body in the News!
The Scooter and a Family’s Intervention
/in Author Life, Donnell Ann Bell, The Stiletto Gang/by Donnell Ann BellRecently a dear friend of mine had foot surgery. Being unable to perform weight bearing tasks for weeks, especially when you’re a chef, had to be the ultimate challenge and she was trying to survive on crutches. I begged her to enlist the aid of a mobility scooter. I believe in scooters, maybe a little too much. Here’s my story . . . .
By Donnell Ann Bell
I don’t smoke, I occasionally drink, and I certainly don’t do drugs. Why then did my family get together and decide an intervention was necessary where I was concerned?
I’ll tell you why. They took away my scooter.
That’s right. Years ago, I had foot surgery and it turned out a bit more complicated than we’d anticipated. A metal-tarsal plate fusion on top of a bunionectomy. Where I had expected to be walking a week or so after surgery, I was informed by my doctor my recovery would actually be six to eight weeks of non-weight bearing on my right foot.
Ghastly news. Horrible news. No driving and I became a virtual recluse over the holidays and all through January. All right. I’m a writer, so being a virtual recluse really isn’t all that terrible. But falling on your face is, let me tell you what. For anyone who knows me, there’s a reason my middle name isn’t “Grace.” And though I practiced and practiced on crutches before the surgery, when it came time to walk on them after the operation, well, fear had a great deal of influence. Before surgery I could land on my right foot. After surgery, landing on it was a no-no.
Maybe I was determined not to make friends with the crutches. But honestly I tried. After falling three times and looking like Social Services should be involved, my husband said enough is enough. With that he was off to Denver and back a while later with the ultimate life saver for anyone who has foot or leg surgery. A scooter!
My life saver after surgery
I adored my husband even more so after that. We have a ranch-style house and that scooter was made for it and for me. Not long after we got it, I put away the crutches for good and soon was zooming all over the place, so much so my daughter was constantly lamenting, “Mom, slow down.”
Where it would take me several minutes to cross the floor with my crutches, sweating and panting, the scooter proved to be my best friend. I slept with it by my bed, by the recliner, in my office. This little transportation mode made my recovery bearable.
But then. . .the cast came off and so did the boot and my doctor said, “You can apply weight again to your foot.” Yay! I was so excited. I would gradually be walking again.
Wrong. My son who had come for a visit during that time said, “Okay, Mom, enough slacking. You’ve become too attached to that scooter.” With that he handed my beloved scooter to my husband who whisked it back to the rental place in Denver.
Looking back, I can admit now that they were right. I didn’t like it at the time, and maybe at some point I’ll rewrite my family back into my will. I was lucky. My family recognized I needed help.
About the Author: Donnell Ann Bell is an award-winning author, her latest work, a series, includes Until Dead: a Cold Case Suspense, released in 2022, Black Pearl, a Cold Case Suspense 2020 Colorado Book Award finalist. Donnell’s single title books include, Buried Agendas, Betrayed, Deadly Recall and the Past Came Hunting, all of which have been Amazon bestsellers. Currently she’s writing book three of her cold case series. www.donnellannbell.com
Focus by Debra H. Goldstein
/in Author Life, Cozy Mysteries, How to Write, Publishing, Series/by Saralyn RichardPhoto by Chase Clark on Unsplash
Judge, author, litigator, wife, step-mom, mother of twins, and civic volunteer, are all words used to describe me. My life and writings are equally diverse. I’m the author of Kensington Press’ Sarah Blair mystery series. Sarah, like me, is a cook of convenience who might be scorched if she gets too close to a kitchen. One Taste Too Many, published in January 2019, was picked as a Woman’s World Book of the Week. The next three books, Two Bites Too Many, Three Treats Too Many, and Four Cuts Too Many were each named as Silver Falchion finalists. The fifth book in the series, Five Belles Too Many, released on June 28, 2022.
I am an active civic volunteer in Birmingham, Alabama and have served on the national boards of Mystery Writers of America and Sisters in Crime, as well as being past president of the Southeast Chapter of Mystery Writers of America and Sister’s in Crime’s largest chapter, The Guppies.
Readers Love Mysteries…
/in Author Life, characters, Detective, Kathryn Lane, Mystery, Nikki Garcia Mystery Series, Sherlock Holmes/by Kathryn Lane…and readers also love sleuths that solve mystery after mystery after mystery, such as Arthur Conan Doyle’s famous protagonist, Sherlock Holmes. The genius detective solved mysteries and crimes during Conan Doyle’s lifetime and today continues to be one of the most popular characters in TV crime series.
Sherlock Holmes is the archetypal detective. He uses observation, deduction, and reasoning to solve complex murders, yet it is Sherlock’s eccentric personality that endears him to readers and TV viewers.
Is it the personality quirks as well as the detective abilities that keep readers attached to their favorite crime solving characters? It’s not just Sherlock Holmes. Protagonists like Craig Johnson’s Sheriff Longmire and Michael Connelly’s Harry Bosch have not only taken on a life of their own, but they have also become part of a reader’s or a viewer’s family.
In other words, a series with an appealing protagonist, especially when that protagonist is clever, quirky, and not beyond being arrogant at times, like Sherlock, is golden to an audience. In the reader’s mind, those characteristics humanize the detective and make him or her lovable and therefore worthy of being part of the reader’s family.
Today, most authors of mystery and detective stories write series. Prolific authors, or those who started writing years ago, may have several series going at one time. Readers who love a character will return time and again to help their favorite detective solve the latest mystery.
The mystery genre is one of the most enduring ones. Let’s all continue writing about quirky detectives in stories filled with twists and turns. Let’s keep the mystery series going!
***
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1345756
In her writing, she draws deeply from her experiences growing up in a small town in northern Mexico as well as her work and travel in over ninety countries around the globe during her career in international finance with Johnson & Johnson.
Kathryn and her husband, Bob Hurt, split their time between Texas and the mountains of northern New Mexico where she finds it inspiring to write.
Three of my favorite fitness tips
/in Author Life/by Debra SennefelderHappy March! We’re three months into 2023 and I wonder, if resolutions were made at the beginning of the year, how are we doing? According to the Forbes Health/One Poll survey, 39% of the respondents had a goal to improve health, 37% wanted to lose weight and 33% wanted to improve their diet. However, a study from 2021 showed that 80% of people who made resolutions abandoned them by February. I know that I’ve been one of those people who said bye-bye to my well-intentioned resolutions but this year it’s been different.
One of the things I wanted to focus on was my fitness. I’ve always loved to exercise and I enjoy eating healthy but like so many others, life happens and I get sidetracked. It also doesn’t help that I work a very sedentary job which includes developing, testing and tasting recipes. Since December I have been successful in making fitness and eating more mindful a top priority. Not every day is perfect but on those imperfect days I give myself a little grace knowing I’m doing the best considering the circumstances.
Today I’d like to share of my tips that have helped me keep on track with my fitness goals. These tips have been a game changer for me because on those imperfect days they allow me to make little strides toward my big goal.
1. Take regular breaks
One of the best things we can do for our health is to take regular breaks. Sitting for long periods of time detrimental to your health, and taking frequent breaks can help you avoid the negative effects of sitting. Try to take a break every hour or so, and use that time to stand up, stretch, and move around.
2. Incorporate exercise into your day
By adding in exercise into your day can be a great way to sneak some fitness into your day when you either can’t do a full workout or be a bonus when you can. This can be as simple as taking the stairs instead of the elevator or parking further from the store/job you’re going to. If you have a dog, you can consider adding in an extra lap. Any movement you can add into your day is a win.
3. Make healthy food choices
Finally, it’s important to make healthy food choices. There’s so much information out there about this topic and you can search for that. What I’ve found is that it becomes easier to make healthier choices in food when I’m on top if my workout game. For me, they go hand in hand. But I do indulge in treats.
Staying fit, getting fit, can be challenging but I know that little changes have made a big difference in my reaching my goals.
In the Food Blogger mystery series, Hope Early loves running. In the Resale Boutique mystery series, Kelly Quinn loves Pilates. My heart belongs to Pilates but I love strength training. What’s your favorite type of workout?
P.S. Make sure to check with your doctor before making any changes in your fitness routine/dietary needs.
She lives and writes in Connecticut. When she’s not writing, she enjoys baking, exercising and taking long walks with her Shih-Tzu, Connie.
You can keep in touch with Debra through her website, on Facebook and Instagram.
The War Against Women That No One Wants to Admit–and a Poem
/in Poetry, The Stiletto Gang/by Linda RodriguezTrigger Warnings for child molestation and abuse and for sexual assault and domestic violence.
Whenever I read this poem in public, I preface it with a statement that there is a war against women taking place, followed by the current statistics on sexual assault, rape, physical assault, and murder, statistics that have risen every time I check them again and which are always worse for women of color and Native women. I don’t read this poem in public much, however, because it makes men uncomfortable–they shift in their seats visibly–and it brings so many women up to me afterward in tears to say that this poem was about their own lives. I have begun to feel that I should provide a therapist to the audience before I read it.
As we live through the nightmare created when Rowe v Wade was cast down by the Supreme Court, however, this poem feels appropriate. This is, ultimately, what patriarchy comes down to–women and girls at the mercy of men hurting them, simply because they can. We can always hope that they won’t–and not all of them do–but ultimately, they can. And they can get away with it over and over again, while women who try to keep them from getting away with it suffer and pay a huge price. Nothing there has really changed since I was a girl, except that women are generally less and less inclined to go quietly along. Our rage has grown too great. Though things were supposed to have changed, our current situation has shown us that they haven’t. But they will. They must.
P.O.W.
Before I fall into the past,
I drive to the library,
thumb open a book
about the death of a child
in Greenwich Village and
plunge
back
in
time
to trash-filled rooms smelling
of milk, urine, beer and blood,
doors locked and curtains drawn
against the world,
dirty baby brother caged in a playpen,
mother nursing broken nose,
split lip, overflowing ashtray,
and father filling the room to the ceiling,
shouting drunken songs and threats
before whom I tremble and dance,
wobbly diversion, to keep away
the sound of fist against face,
bone against wall.
The book never shows
the other little brothers and sister hiding
around corners and under covers,
but I know they are there
and dance faster,
sing the songs that give him pleasure,
pay the price for their sleep
later, his hand pinching flat nipples,
thrusting between schoolgirl thighs,
as dangerous to please as to anger
the giant who holds the keys
to our family prison. Mother
has no way to keep him from me,
but I can do it for her and them.
Locked by these pages
behind enemy lines again
where I plan futile sabotage
and murder every night,
nine-year-old underground,
I read the end.
Suddenly defiant, attacked,
slammed into a wall,
sliding into coma, death
after the allies arrive,
too late, in clean uniforms so like his own
to shake their heads at the smell and mess—
the end I almost believe,
the end that chance keeps at bay
long enough for me to grow and flee,
my nightmare alive on the page.
Freed too late,
I close the book,
two hours vanished,
stand and try to walk
to the front door on uncertain legs
as if nothing were wrong.
No one must know.
I look at those around me
without seeming to,
an old skill,
making sure no one can tell.
Panic pushes me to the car
where the back window reflects
a woman, the unbruised kind.
In the space of three quick breaths
I recognize myself,
slam back into adult body and life,
drive home repeating a mantra,
“Ben will never hurt me–
All men are not violent,”
reminding myself to believe the first,
to hope for the last.
II
Years later, my little sister will sleep,
pregnant, knife under her pillow,
two stepdaughters huddled
at the foot of her bed,
in case her husband
breaks through the door
again. Finally,
she escapes
with just the baby.
My daughter calls collect
from a pay phone on a New Hampshire street.
She’ll stay in a shelter for battered women,
be thrown against the wall
returning to pack
for the trip back to Missouri,
a week before her second anniversary.
With her father and brother,
the trip home will take three days,
and she will call for me again.
Ana and Kay, who sat in my classes,
Vicky, who exchanged toddlers with me once a week,
Pat and Karen, who shared my work,
and two Nancys I have known,
among others too many to count,
hide marks on their bodies and memories,
while at the campus women’s center
where I plan programs for women students
on professional advancement
and how to have it all,
the phone rings every week with calls we forward
to safe houses and shelters.
In my adult life, I’ve suffered no man
to touch me in anger,
but I sleep light.
Published in Heart’s Migration (Tia Chucha Press, 2009)
Dark Sister: Poems was a finalist for the Oklahoma Book Award. Her three earlier Skeet Bannion mystery novels—Every Hidden Fear, Every Broken Trust, Every Last Secret—and earlier books of poetry—Skin Hunger and Heart’s Migration—received critical recognition and awards, such as St. Martin’s Press/Malice Domestic Best First Novel, International Latino Book Award, Latina Book Club Best Book of 2014, Midwest Voices & Visions, Elvira Cordero Cisneros Award, Thorpe Menn Award, and Ragdale and Macondo fellowships. She also published Plotting the Character-Driven Novel, based on her popular workshop. Her short story, “The Good Neighbor,” published in Kansas City Noir, was optioned for film.
Rodriguez is past chair of the AWP Indigenous Writer’s Caucus, past president of Border Crimes chapter of Sisters in Crime, founding board member of Latino Writers Collective and The Writers Place, and a member of International Thriller Writers, Native Writers Circle of the Americas, Wordcraft Circle of Native American Writers and Storytellers, and Kansas City Cherokee Community. Learn more about her at http://lindarodriguezwrites.blogspot.com or follow her on Twitter at https://twitter.com/rodriguez_linda or on Mastodon at https://mastodon.social/rodriguez_linda.