Tag Archive for: humor

Do You Have What It Takes to be a Cheese Whiz? Archaic Words

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By Kathleen Kaska 
When I worked at Cave Art Press, a small publishing company in Anacortes, one of my tasks was to write the weekly blog posts. It had to address writing styles, grammar and punctuation rules, and the down and dirty of publishing and marketing—and it had to be funny. These blog posts eventually became a tongue-in-cheek book entitled, “Do You Have a Catharsis Handy? Five Minute-Writer Tips.” Here’s one about archaic words and my own take on them.

Thanks to Google, I stumble upon many of my Writing
Tips topics by accident. Here are some archaic (did they
ever really exist?) but entertaining words and phrases
that I discovered while I was researching other topics,
along with some neologisms of my own:

With Squirrel: If you were a woman who lived in the
Ozarks many moons ago and you found yourself “with
squirrel,” then you were expecting a child. (Vance
Randolph’s Down in the Holler: A Gallery of Ozark Folk
Speech, 1953). I would call such a woman Squirrely.

Lunting: I suspect that Sherlock Holmes was into
lunting—i.e., walking while smoking a pipe. (John
Mactaggart’s Scottish Gallovidian Encyclopedia, 1824). I would call people who do this lunters.

The following are from The Word Museum: The Most
Remarkable English Words Ever Forgotten, by Jeffrey
Kacirk:

Spermologer: It doesn’t mean what you think. A
spermologer is a columnist! Three of my favorites are
Father Ron Rolheiser; Austin native, John Kelso; and
funny-lady, Lisa Scottoline. In my world I’d refer to them as wittyosophers.

Queerplungers: An English term for a scam in which an
individual jumped into water, was “rescued” by
accomplices, and was subsequently taken in by rehab
houses that cared for people who tried to commit suicide.
In the benevolent society of the time, the rescuers were
rewarded with a guinea each, while the person who
“attempted suicide” was sent away with a monetary
donation to make his life less depressing. Maybe a better word for these folks would be Scam Dunkers. 

Finally, my favorite:

Tyromancy: If you can’t find a crystal ball, use cheese!
One of my Cave Art Press colleagues thought tyromancy
sounds like “a Jurassic love story.” In fact, it is the act of
predicting birth, love, and death by reading the
appearance of a piece of cheese. It is also the act of using
cheese to answer questions: the most obvious answers to
a question are written on pieces of cheese (one answer
per piece). The pieces of cheese are fed to a rat.
Whichever piece is eaten first is the answer to the
question.

I suspect a person who engaged in this method of
prediction and became notable would have been called a
tyromaniac. I would call him a cheez-whiz. 

This is my last post as a member of the Stiletto Gang, but I will stay in touch and follow you wonderfully, creative authors. 

Best always,

Kathleen









Kathleen is a Texas gal. Except for an eighteen-month hiatus
living in New York City after college, she continuously lived in the Lone Star
State for fifty years. Since then, Texas has been hit and miss—a little hit,
but a hell of a lot of miss. There was a time when she thought she would
happily die in Austin, Texas. But circumstances
and weather—especially weather—changed that. Now she spends most of the year on
Fidalgo Island in Washington State with a view of the bay and the mountains.
When she gets homesick, she and her husband plug in the iPhone to Willie—as in
Nelson. Soon they are dancing the two-step, imagining they are at our favorite
honky-tonk in Tokio, Texas, where the mayor is believed to be a dog. Who
wouldn’t miss that?

Kathleen writes mysteries. She blogs about writing,
publishing, marketing, animal rights, birding, and quirky things that come to
mind. Go to her website: Kathleen Kaska and check out her latest blog series, “Growing Up Catholic in a Small Texas Town.”

The Art of Letter Writing

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Kathleen Kaska

 

When was the last time you wrote a letter or received one?

With texting, tweeting, emailing, and Facebook messaging available as
popular (and expedient) forms of communication, people rarely write letters
nowadays. Why bother, you might ask? I just order the book, Chickens, Gin, and a Maine Friendship: The
Correspondence of E. B. White and Edmund Ware Smith. When I saw E. B. White
on the cover, I ordered it immediately. I love his writing. I didn’t pay
attention to the subtitle, so I was surprised to see that it was a collection
of letters between two friends. I haven’t read the book yet; I’m savoring it
for a vacation when I don’t have to focus on a bazillion other things. But it
got me thinking.

I’m fortunate to have a friend who still prefers to communicate this
old-fashioned way. We met several years ago when I interviewed her for a book I
was writing about her father. Although she uses email, she does so mainly for
business. She and I chat on the phone, but we also write letters to one
another. I have kept every letter she has written me, as well as copies of those
I’ve written to her.

Beyond my correspondence with my letter-writing friend, I write a Christmas
letter to my family, though not every year. I write letters to my young great-niece
and nephews, since they live in Texas and I’m in Washington State. I don’t want
them to forget about me.

I think the reason letter writing is rare is that it takes time and effort.
Getting started is especially hard. I could begin with a comment on the
weather, how I’m feeling, or what I’ve been up to, but those topics seem humdrum.
What helps me get past “Dear Stephanie,” is a reminder to start with a quirky
thought that’s been brewing in my brain—something like why
I choose to have two
olives with my martini on one night and three on another. After that first
paragraph is written, I’m off and running with three or four pages pounded out
in a few minutes.

Electronic communication fosters little forethought as to what to say, or
how to say it. “I have a question; here it is.” Or, “I have some information
you need; read this quickly.” I also find that if I send an email with too many
questions, most of them go unanswered. Sadly no one seems to read lengthy
emails. I even had a publisher who consistently ignored most of what I asked. I
soon learned to ask just one question per email.

Letter writing, on the other hand, takes thought, creativity, and
consideration for the recipients of the letters. You don’t want to bore them to
death with mundane information. You want to make them laugh and understand
what’s really going on in your head and your life.

I look back on the first letters I wrote to my friend; most contained
questions about her father’s activities. But after my book was published The Man Who Saved the Whooping Crane: The Robert Porter Allen Story University Press of Florida, 2012) we began
communicating on a more personal level, and a true friendship developed. I
enjoy reading her letters, being able to hold them, stick them in my purse, and
reread them. I know she’s put time and effort into her letters to me—and that
makes me feel special. I hope she feels the same way when she receives one of
mine.

I’m not sure what I will eventually do with all our correspondence, but I’m
glad to have it. My friend lives across the country, so I rarely see her. Our
letters keep us close. 

Do you know of other similar books that are collections of letters? 

Kathleen Kaska is the author of The
Sherlock Holmes Quiz Book (Rowman & Littlefield Publishing
Group). She is the founder of The Dogs in the Nighttime: Holmes Society of Anacortes,
Washington, a scion of The Baker Street Irregulars. Kathleen writes the
awarding-winning Sydney Lockhart Mystery Series and the Kate Caraway Mystery
Series. Her passion for birds led to the publication The
Man Who Saved the Whooping Crane: The Robert Porter Allen Story.
Kathleen’s collection of blog posts, Do You Have a Catharsis Handy?
Five-Minute Writing Tips won the Chanticleer International
Book Award in the non-fiction Instruction and Insights category.

 

Go to her website and sign up for her newsletter. Look for
her bi-monthly blog: “Growing Up Catholic in a Small Texas Town” because
sometimes you just have to laugh.

 

http://www.kathleenkaska.com

http://www.blackopalbooks.com

https://twitter.com/KKaskaAuthor

http://www.facebook.com/kathleenkaska

 

 

You Lie Down with Dogs, You Wake Up in Hot Water: Metaphors Aren’t Antisocial—But They Don’t Always Mix Well

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I
love metaphors. When I come across a great one while reading, I write it down
as a reminder to spend time crafting them. Here are some musings on metaphors.
Mixing metaphors—combining two unrelated idioms—is considered a grammatical faux pas. But in the right
circumstances, mixing metaphors fosters a more creative comparison, makes your
readers think, and may even produce chuckles.

·      Don’t
eat with your mouth open for business.  

·      I’ll
ride shotgun in the backseat.

·      Earl
tucked tail and left in a cloud of smoke.

·      When
life hands you a lemon, make an ice cream sundae.

·      Shape
up or sink like a stone.

·      Don’t
count your chickens before you put their eggs in your basket.

·      Beating
around the bush may get you in deep water.

·      Cross
that bridge after you’ve burned it.

·      The
quiet before the storm preceded a blast from the past.

·      Wake
up and smell the writing on the wall.

·     
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll wake up
in hot water.

Finally,
what would a tip on mixing metaphors be without mentioning the master
metaphor-mixer, Yogi Berra? Here are a few of my favorite Yogisms:

·      “Pair
up in threes.”

·      “Why
buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.”

·      “The
future ain’t what it used to be.”

·      “No
one goes there [restaurant] anymore; it’s too crowded.”

·      “Baseball
is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical.”

·      “When
you come to a fork in the road, take it!”

 

I’m
a Texas gal. Except for an eighteen-month hiatus living in New York City after
college, I lived in the Lone Star State continuously for fifty years. Since
then, Texas has been hit and miss—a little hit, but a heck of a lot of miss.
There was a time when I thought I would happily die in Austin, Texas. But circumstances
and weather—especially weather—changed that. Now I spend most of the year on
Fidalgo Island in Washington State with a view of the bay and the mountains.
When I get homesick, my husband and I listen to Willie Nelson. Soon we are
dancing the two-step, imagining we are at our favorite honky-tonk in Tokyo,
Texas, where the mayor is believed to be a dog. Who wouldn’t miss that?

 

I
write the awarding-winning mystery series: the Sydney Lockhart Mystery Series
set in the 1950s and the Classic Triviography Mystery Series, which
includes The Sherlock Holmes Quiz Book, updated and released
by Lyons Press on November 1, 2020. My Kate Caraway animal-rights
mystery series includes Run Dog Run and A Two Horse Town.
Eagle Crossing is scheduled for release in 2022.

 

Look
for Sherlock Holmes of Baking Street,
an anthology by notable authors and Sherlockians. I’m honored to have a Holmes
short story included.

 

        On my website, you can also find my Five-Minute Writing Tips and blog posts about publishing,                 marketing, birding, and quirky things that come to mind. Kathleen Kaska

 

Just released in May—Sherlock Holmes of Baking Street. I was honored to be asked to contribute a Holmes short story or essay for this anthology. I’d always wanted to try my hand at writing a Holmes pastiche. Finally, this was the nudge I need. My story is “The Adventure at Old Basingstoke.” Also included is my recipe for scones since the theme of the anthology is baking. 

 

 


Untitled Post

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Police
Blotter Fodder: “To Save Herself, She Bit the Cop on the Leg”

Where
to Go for Ideas When You Are Stuck

by Kathleen Kaska

Need an idea for a short story, blog post,
or a novel? Check out the newspapers. I don’t necessarily mean the front page.
In our town, the most entertaining reading comes from police blotters. The
reports are a wellspring of ideas for writers. Some are written
tongue-in-cheek, and I can imagine the fun police officers must have in
crafting them. 

Recently, the police in a nearby city
uncovered a murder-for-hire plot by an inmate in the county jail who was
enlisting the help of a fellow inmate to murder the man responsible for the first
guy’s incarceration. These were the instructions he gave to the would-be
killer: “Wet him with gasoline; dry him with a match.” That’s a pretty good
line; right out of a Mickey Spillane novel. If this guy ever went straight, he
might make it as a pulp fiction writer.

Or how about this one? A few weeks ago, the
police in my quiet, little town were called to a motel where a woman insisted
they arrest her. She was hiding out from her ex-husband and current boyfriend
who, according to the woman, were plotting to kill her. The cops explained they
could not fulfill her wish because she hadn’t committed a crime. With a
that’s-what-you-think attitude, she began pounding on the windshield of the
squad car. When one of the officers tried to restrain her, she bit him on the
leg. At least for the next few days, the woman had the protection she’d
requested.

And another: A guy was shoplifting at
Safeway. When the cops arrived to question him, he made his getaway on a
motorized shopping cart, which he drove down the middle of Commercial Avenue.
The shoplifter received applause from the bystanders who cheered him on as if
he were the Grand Marshall of a parade.

And one more: Several people complained
about a homeless man who was causing a ruckus in a downtown square. The police
arrived and realized the man was arguing and shouting profanities at someone
only he could see. The cops told him to apologize to his imaginary friend. He
did.

End of story.

This is an excerpt from my book, Does Anyone Have a Catharsis Handy? Five-Minute
Writing Tips.

Kathleen Kaska is the author of The
Sherlock Holmes Quiz Book (Rowman & Littlefield Publishing
Group). She is the founder of The Dogs in the Nighttime: Holmes Society of
Anacortes, Washington, a scion of The Baker Street Irregulars. Kathleen writes
the awarding-winning Sydney Lockhart Mystery Series and the Kate Caraway
Mystery Series. Her passion for birds led to the publication The
Man Who Saved the Whooping Crane: The Robert Porter Allen Story. Kathleen’s
collection of blog posts, Do You Have a Catharsis Handy?
Five-Minute Writing Tips won the Chanticleer International
Book Award in the non-fiction Instruction and Insights category.

Go to her website and sign up for her newsletter. Look for
her bi-monthly blog: “Growing Up Catholic in a Small Texas Town” because
sometimes you just have to laugh.

http://www.kathleenkaska.com

http://www.blackopalbooks.com

https://twitter.com/KKaskaAuthor

http://www.facebook.com/kathleenkaska

 

I’m Married to a Planner

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Not a wedding planner or an event planner. I’m married to a
second-of-every-day planner. A month before hunting season, my husband is
compiling his gear. Our bedroom turns into a sea of orange as I roll my eyes.
When we’re in the car going from point A to B, my spouse will tell you
precisely what time we’ll arrive.

As someone who spent a lot of time on the road before he
retired, he had a lot of time to think and to play games with himself. He would
call and tell me, “I’ll be home at 7:57.” 
Not 7:30 or 8 p.m., but to the exact minute. And, ladies and gentlemen, he
usually walked in at the stated moment.

Being married to a life planner has its ups and downs. For
instance, just because he’s a planner doesn’t mean I am. I like a little
spontaneity in the seconds of my day. In fact, being a writer, my muse often
demands it. Flexibility is the name of the game with this girl.  My poor calendar bears the brunt and the inked out scratches of my constantly changing schedule.

What brought about this blog? A phone call I had with my
girlfriend today. She said she and her husband are coming to New Mexico at
Christmas and suggested we might want to meet in Taos for lunch or dinner if it’s convenient. I said that sounds like so much fun, and I’d talk it over
with the dear husband.

But now two hours after I told him, he’s come up with the    route we will take to get from Las
Cruces to Taos, and how long it would take us to get there. I’d literally forgotten
about the conversation until he brought it up. “Les,” I said, “It’s March. We
don’t have to plan this trip until September or October at the earliest.” He stared at me aghast. “By failing
to plan, you are preparing to fail.” 

Thank you Benjamin Franklin. 

The truth is my husband keeps me on target, while ideally, I remind him to take deep breaths and smell the roses. 

Planning’s a good thing, no doubt about it. But so is spontaneity. I often share traits like these in my writing. So interesting to see what makes our characters tick.

Do you have a planner in your life?

                        

How to Craft a Mystery

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by Bethany Maines
Step One:  Read the paper and/or listen to your weird uncle
to learn about strange ways people have died recently.  This usually involves blurting out something
like “ooh, another dead body!” while snatching up the paper in the middle of
the busy hour at a coffee shop. 
Bonus Points: If
someone shuffles away from you at the coffee shop, collect an additional 20 Murderer Alert points!
Step Two: Having
decided on your method of death it’s time for research! Start googling all
sorts of things that will help you cover up your crime.  Also, go on a vacation to the place that you
plan on putting your dead body. 
Bonus Points: If
you can say “This is a good place to kill someone!” in an aggressively cheerful
manner to the person at the tourist bureau who just wants to help, collect an
additional 20 Walking Sociopath points!
Step Three: Sit
down and write the book.  This is the
boring bit, but it does come with fun voices in your head to talk to.
Bonus Points: If
you finish the manuscript, collect an additional 20 I Have No Life points!
Step Four:  Realize that there is a plot-hole in your
book and go back to step three.
Bonus Points: If
you don’t become an alcoholic, collect an additional 20 At Least I’m Not an Asshole Like Hemingway points!
Step Five: Get
your book back from the editor and give back your Hemingway points while you
try to get over the stupid, stupid, stupid edits.
Bonus Points: Look,
you’ve got a complete book at this points, you shouldn’t need stupid bonus
points, but hey, if that’s what keeps you going, then take 5 I Need a Cookie points.
Step Six: Release
the book into the wild and realize that you are a winner!
An Unfamiliar Sea will be available on 1.21.20
Tish Yearly just opened a wedding venue on Orcas Island in
Washington State and one of her employees just drowned in four inches of water.
Now it’s up to Tish and her grandfather Tobias Yearly, the 79-year-old ex-CIA
agent and current private investigator, to find out who could have wanted the
sweet waitress dead. 

AN UNFAMILIAR SEA:
PRE-ORDER NOW! 










**

Bethany Maines is the award-winning author of the Carrie Mae Mysteries, San Juan Islands Mysteries, Shark Santoyo Crime Series, and numerous
short stories. When she’s not traveling to exotic lands, or kicking some
serious butt with her black belt in karate, she can be found chasing her
daughter or glued to the computer working on her next novel. You can also catch up with her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and BookBub.

Tales of Christmas

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by Bethany Maines
In 2017 a Romance novelist friend of mine invited me to be
part of an anthology of holiday novellas as part of a marketing event.  I said, “Of course!” Did I have a holiday
novella?  No, I did not.  Was it September when she asked and all
content was due in November?  Yes, yes it
was.  The result of my feverish typing
and carpal tunnel syndrome was Oh, Holy
Night.  This fun romance about a
freelance graphic designer and the cute guy she keeps meeting at her local
Starbucks somehow managed to end up also being about a bank robbery, friendship
and recovering from grief.  But despite
the record breaking pace I actually enjoyed my little holiday story and I
decided that I wanted to do it again. Just… not quite so fast.

So this year I’m releasing Blue Christmas.  This Suspense
Romance novella also features a  teeny
bit of crime, a helping of romance, and a dog. 
Because I like dogs. This time our intrepid heroine is a college student
Blue Jones and the square jawed hero is local TV news cameraman Jake Garner.  And the dog is an adorable French Bulldog
named Jacques who disapproves of almost everything.  If you’re looking for some Christmas
adventures please feel free to indulge in these holiday treats.  They’re calorie free. 
Blue Christmas – ¢.99 – available
12/4 –Blue Jones just stole Jake
Garner’s dog. And his heart. But technically the French Bulldog, Jacques,
belongs to Jake’s ex-girlfriend. And soon Jake is being pressured to return the
dog and Blue is being targeted by mysterious attackers. Can Jake find Blue and
Jacques before her stalkers do? For Blue, Christmas has never been quite so
dangerous.  For Jake, Christmas has never been quite so Blue.

Oh, Holy Night – ¢.99 – available
now – Christmas is a lot more dangerous than it used to be. Graphic
designer Violet Harper is usually found at her local Starbucks. Handsome Roman
Knox is usually carrying a gun. But tonight they’re both in a bank and there’s
a body on the floor. It’s a mess, a robbery and almost the worst day ever, but
maybe a Christmas miracle can get them out of the bank and into love. Join Violet and Roman as they try to figure out the rules to modern dating and bank robbery.




And for more holiday humor
and adventure with a touch of romance, check out fellow Stiletto Gang sister
J.M. Phillippe’s A Christmas Spirit –
The recently deceased Charlene Dickenson is stuck in a place where the
Christmas music never ends and the holiday treats will never make you full. Charlene is going to have to figure out how to let go of her mortal life and
embrace the Christmas Spirit.

Available in print and e-formats on 12/4.  Pre-order on: Amazon

Bethany Maines is the author of the Carrie Mae Mystery Series, San
Juan Islands Mysteries, Shark Santoyo
Crime Series, and numerous short stories. When she’s not traveling to
exotic lands, or kicking some serious butt with her fourth degree black belt in
karate, she can be found chasing her daughter or glued to the computer working
on her next novel. You can also catch up with her on YouTube,
Twitter and Facebook.

Writing the Funny

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      Writer, humanist,
          dog-mom, horse servant and cat-slave,
       Lover of solitude
          and the company of good friends,
        New places, new ideas
           and old wisdom.


Read more

A ROSE IS A ROSE, BUT IS A NAME A NAME?

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By AB Plum

Still waiting for the winner of my November giveaway to contact me with names for two characters in my next novel, Broken-Hearted Many.

In case I don’t hear before blog deadline, I’ll ponder a bit on one of my favorite topics: Naming characters.

Feller Gowdy is a name I hope to use someday. Feller will have to be an unusual guy to carry around such a handle. Hero or villain? Seems likely he’d have endured teasing his entire life. What were his parents thinking? Of course, with a surname like Gowdy, what first name actually fits? Big Feller? Little Feller? Funny Feller?

For years I’ve kept a file of unusual names. Still, I’ve used very few of them. I can’t quite figure out the profile for a woman named Apple. Is she a Pippin? Or a Granny Smith?

Names from the Bible jump out at me most frequently. So many of them come with meanings that can serve to give life to a character. Or not.

Consider Methusalah. Abendego. Job.  

Names most of us recognize. But did you know that Gad is a real Biblical moniker? Probably highly respected in the day—just as Basemath was for girls. Admittedly, I shy away from many names found in the Old Testament.

But I like Michael—meaning “gift from God.” In my dark, psychological thriller, The Dispensable Wife, I kept my tongue in cheek each time I wrote Michael Romanov’s name.

Anna and Sophia, both derived from Greek names, sound soft and pleasing together. They mean “grace” and “wisdom.” AnnaSophia Romanov is married to Michael. Again, I chose the name for its irony relative to both characters.

Choosing a name for main characters always presents me with a challenge. The process reminds me of choosing baby names. In a few instances—not with my bio kids—I’ve changed a character’s name. Why?

Maybe because unlike roses, a name is not a name by any other name.

Go on, figure that out. I dare you!

As 2017 closes, I hope you have more good memories than bad. May you find time in 2018 to read and read and read—no matter the characters’ names.
**************
AB Plum composes lists of names off the fast ramp in Silicon Valley while she walks and dances and reads Peanuts and For Better or Worse most days in her daily newspaper. Her latest novel, The Dispensable Wife is available on Amazon.


When Novelists Aren’t Being Novelists

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By Kimberly Jayne

As a novelist, I know how important it is to write regularly—daily, in fact. One reason is that you have to keep the creative chops from getting rusty; the more you write, the easier it is. But the bigger arguments are that the more you write, the richer your writing becomes and the faster your next novel meets its big-finish line.
But what happens when life gets in the way of creative pursuits, and writing every day just isn’t possible?

Well, for one thing, guilt sets in. When you know writing is your calling, being unable to meet expectations for daily output can induce nagging bouts of guilt at any point during your waking hours. Priorities are not much fun for an author when they don’t include writing. Over time, the absence of writing leads to frustration, which only mounts with each passing week. Not to mention that if you have a good network of other authors in your corner, they’ll know you’re doing diddly squat too. So let’s add shame and self-flagellation to the mix.

Thence comes the whining. This is why the life of an author is not for sissies. It’s hard enough to get respect from the masses for the difficulties involved in bleeding out an entire novel in the middle of life’s little chaoses; but when you, as a writer, can’t keep your top priority in its place as the top priority, you know something drastic has to happen. Things must change, if only for the sake of sanity.

I’ve been experiencing this very thing for the past several months due to business and pleasure travels, housing searches for the day-job transfer from Austin to Plano, day-job overtime, and family obligations, not to mention a few other unpleasant things life has thrown at me. So, I’m heavy into the guilt-and-frustration-and shame phase of the author who’s not writing—hence, this admittedly whiny post.

Thankfully, I’ve stricken several of the obstacles from my list, as of this weekend (long-distance apartment hunting is not for the faint-hearted either), and I’m happy to say I’m feeling much more optimistic about how much writing I’m going to get done—er, soon. Right after I finish packing and moving in two weeks, and unpacking, and adjusting to the new day-job conditions. Yeah, I’m going to kick this guilt-and-frustration-and-shame thing real soon.
__________________________________________
Kimberly Jayne writes humor, romantic comedy, suspense, erotica, and dark fantasy. You can check her out on Amazon. Find out more about her at ReadKimberly.com.