by Susan McBride

I had the weirdest dream the other night. Okay, I have weird dreams a lot of nights. This one was pretty typical. I was in my grandparents’ house, but neither was there (both are deceased). I could see this gang of bad guys approaching, and I knew they aimed to break in. So I called 9-1-1 only to be told by the dispatcher that they’d have a car there in two hours.

Two hours? Hello!

Then the bad guys were at the door, and they looked like they were armed with AK47s. I ended up dropping the phone and running to hide, along with a bunch of other people (I can’t remember who they were, but I knew some and didn’t know others).

The armed band of thugs (who were mostly women) got inside and started trying to round us up. I remember getting outside, where there’s a small lake behind the house, attempting to skirt the lake and nearby copse of trees to get to a neighbor’s house. Unfortunately, one of the AK47-toting chicks saw me and threatened to shoot.

So I went back to the house, but then I reminded myself I was dreaming and started to beat up on the armed gang. I do recall pummeling one of them while she/he (I can’t recall) grinned maniacally at me.

What the heck???

I often have dreams (er, nightmares?) where I’m aware that someone’s coming to get me or the group I’m with, but I can’t escape. Though, at some point, I realize it’s a dream and defend myself, often cartoonishly slugging the offender over and over.

Is this a lingering hazard of my previous gig writing murder mysteries? Or am I taking out my frustrations and subconscious aggressions against people who drive me batty?

Let me look it up in my dream symbols book (yes, of course, I have one…doesn’t everybody?). Okay, “Attack: Similar to Being Run Over, only more aggressive and accompanied by the fear of losing property.”

All right, I’ll flip to “Being Run Over” and see what that says. “This may point to a feeling of being overwhelmed.” Well, yeah, I have a book due in four and a half months, plus two more books due after that. So “overwhelmed” makes sense. Oh, wait, there’s more. “According to Freud, this image, particularly in men’s dreams, appears when one’s id can’t be actively lived out.”

Okey dokey, I wasn’t being run over so let’s nix that Freud analysis and move on to another bizarre recurring dream I have.

I’m in bed, and I think I’ve woken up. It’s dark, and I glance toward the doorway and see a shadow. I feel like someone’s in the house, and I want to scream, but I can’t make a sound.

Hmm, let me look up “shadow” in my handy-dandy dream book. Oh, wow, this is long. Let me paraphrase: “The shadow is, first of all, that which is invisible…[and] is a sign that you’re in the process of becoming aware of your Self. So there is no reason to fear your shadow or try to avoid it.”

But is it my shadow? If I’m just waking up from sleeping in my dream and see the shadow in the doorway? I’m confused. Let’s read on:

“The shadow is usually connected to the past or the future: old injuries are casting their shadow onto today’s behavior and emotions”—now, wait, that sounds plausible, seeing as how I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve and have had my emotions stomped on more than once—“Coming to terms with the shadow is necessary in order to understand life here and now. It brings intensity, wealth, and imagination to life.”

Did it say “wealth?” I think I can deal with that.

Anyone else have that dream where you’re back in school and have to take a test, but you haven’t studied for it yet? Sometimes I’ll dream that I’m the age I am now, yet I’m back in high school or college, taking classes, though I keep telling people I’ve already graduated, that I even went to grad school for a week (yes, I said a week–at SMU in Dallas—but that’s all I could last with my unbearable creative writing instructor).

Here we go: “School: Learning as in School Work and Tests.” All right, the “School Work” definition says: “See also Tests. Something you still have to do.” Man, I could’ve figured that out. So we’ll mosey over to “Test,” which says, “See Exam/Test.” Grrr, this is a stupid book! Finally, “Exam/Test (University): Difficulty at work. Passing a test points to ambition…One of the most common dreams is failing an exam. In the dream, one is not prepared for the exam. In a variation, one is on stage and doesn’t know the lines. Both situations refer to a fear of failing in public.”

I still have plenty of work to do and a definite fear of failing in public. Scary how on the mark those are. Who needs a therapist when you’ve got a dream symbols book to tell you about your insecurities, ambitions and phobias?

Now, if you’ll excuse me for a sec, I need to look up “Flying.” (Yes, I occasionally fly under my own power…in my dreams, that is.) Maybe that’s a sign I should be writing about angels, or at least fallen angels. I hear they’re the new vampires. Or is it that dragonflies are the new vampires? I’ll have to sleep on that one.

P.S. Have a great holiday weekend, everyone! May all your dreams be sweet (or at least sweeter than my crazy ones!).