by Linda Rodriguez 

I had a dream for many decades, a dream that I would write
novels that would be published by a major publisher to great reviews and win
many honors. And for many years I had to put that dream on hold for lack of
time as I worked a demanding and fulfilling job while raising a family. I still
wrote whenever I could and still had my dream.

Poetry was shorter so I started writing poetry in those bits
and pieces of time I could steal, and eventually some was published and then
more. Finally, I had two books of poetry published to good reviews and even
some awards. I was happy, but… I wanted to write novels, too.

Ultimately, I had to leave my job for health reasons. After
a period of getting my health stabilized, I had time to write, and I wrote a
novel. This novel won a major competition and was published by a major Big Five
publisher. It got tons of great reviews and won some national honors. I was
happy with my editor and publicist and loved my book covers. 

My publishers were happy with the sales—for a first book. It
didn’t put me in line for the New York Times bestseller list any time in the
near future. And my publishers even wanted more books, but they didn’t want to
pay much in the way of an advance for them. The whole industry had gone this
way of drastically smaller advances, it seemed. I began to fret about sales,
following the BookScan numbers and Amazon rankings all the time. Even as
everything in my dream came true, I became depressed and stressed about my
sales and my future.

A good friend, a literary fiction writer who teaches in an
MFA program, came to town on book tour, and my husband and I took him to
dinner. As usual, we spent the night talking writing and the state of
publishing. This is what writers tend to do, I’m afraid. He asked me about my
book, and I told him about the Barnes & Noble Pick of the Month and the
national book club selection and the reviews. But, I added, not wanting him to
think I was more successful than I was, it wasn’t translating into real money.
My friend looked at me and gently said, “Linda, what you’ve got is what every
MFA student in America wants and most of the faculty, too.”

And he was right, of course. I had been phenomenally lucky.
Instead of celebrating and enjoying all that wonderful good fortune, a dream
come true, I had allowed myself to fall into the trap of moving the goal line
until it was once more out of reach. I wasted all the goodness of part of that
year with that silliness.

Then, just as my third book was published, I discovered I
had cancer and began a nightmare of multiple surgeries and treatments, not to
mention terrible side effects and lifesaving but pain-inducing and energy- and
strength-draining medicines. I haven’t had one undrugged night when I could
sleep the whole night long since. I couldn’t do necessary social media and
in-person events to promote my book during that time. I couldn’t write for much
of that time. I couldn’t even read for a good chunk of it. I berated myself for
wasting so much of what should have been the happiest years of my life now that
it once more seemed out of reach.

But I am determined to do no more of that. I’m finally
cancer-free, though I still have to take the meds and treatments for a number
of years to make sure it doesn’t come back. I’ve stopped being a patient and am
once again a writer. I’m living the dream I always wanted—my books in reader’s
hands with great reviews and up for awards. I no longer care what the BookScan
numbers are. I’m enjoying this dream come true right here and now.

I’ve decided that my focus needs to be on writing the best
books I can and doing all I can to see they connect with readers. The rest is
out of my control, so I can’t waste my energy worrying about it. I’m just going
to be happy living the dream.

Have you ever found yourself moving the goalposts as you
accomplish some desired goal or make some long-desired dream come true? Have
you ever let the things you can’t control mess with your emotions to the
detriment of the things you can? What have you learned in these kinds of
situations?

Linda Rodriguez’s third Skeet Bannion novel, Every Hidden Fear, was a selection of
the Las Comadres National Latino Book Club and a Latina Book Club Best Book for
2014. Her second Skeet mystery, Every
Broken Trust, was a selection of Las Comadres National Latino Book Club, International
Latino Book Award, and a finalist for the Premio Aztlan Literary Prize. Her
first Skeet novel, Every Last Secret,
won the St. Martin’s/Malice Domestic Best First Traditional Mystery Novel
Competition and an International Latino Book Award. Her short story, “The Good
Neighbor,” has been optioned for film. Find her on Twitter as @rodriguez_linda,
on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/LindaRodriguezWrites,
and on her blog http://lindarodriguezwrites.blogspot.com.